Thursday, August 13, 2009

Climbing Mount Kinabalu

If anyone told me I would one day climb Southeast Asia's highest mountain, I would have told them they were crazy. But at 35, I have discovered it is never too late to learn a new sport (skiing) or climb a mountain (Kinabalu!).

So here I am, with my beloved Wilf, gazing up the face of Mount Kinabalu in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia, and embracing the challenge of climbing it on foot. No gondolas or skidoos -- just plain two feet!

There is an advantage to having long legs. My short little ones had to take twice as many steps as my long-legged darling Wilf :) But despite the physical disparity, the good news is, both these pairs of legs made it to the 10,900 ft (3,323 m) point on Malaysia's highest mountain, Mount Kinabalu (13,435 ft / 4,095 m) -- where the resthouse Laban Rata resides. That's the stopping point for all climbers who intend to go for the summit (Low's Peak) at 2am the same night we ascend.

Wilf and I took seven hours to reach Laban Rata. We left Timpohon Gate at 11am and arrived at 6pm. About 2 hours of that was spent resting at the seven huts along the way. Crikey! Were there MANY steps!!! It was as hard as I expected, but it still didn't prepare me for the effort it required. My meagre training at Singapore's Bukit Timah Hill paled in stark comparison to the actual challenge of Mount Kinabalu's multitudinous steps. I reckon you have to do Bukit Timah Hill at least 8-9 times (the longest route, not the route straight up) to simulate the experience - and even so, it can't really prepare you enough for it because the physical challenges increase at higher altitude.

At about 4pm, the weather turned on us, and we were caught in a torrential thunderstorm. Crikey! A tropical thunderstorm shows no mercy and we were truly soaked. Thankfully, we were prepared with our rainproof shells and pants as well as rain covers for our backpacks, so although we were climbing in really heavy downpour, our bodies and belongings stayed relatively dry. Amazing how plastic rainproof pants and jackets can do the job of keeping you dry!

The last stretch towards Laban Rata consisted of strewn rocks (not neatly cut steps), and with the downpour, all the rainwater was streaming downwards through the rocks, like a waterfall. It was as though we were climbing up endless waterfalls! If I were merely an observer, it would have been a beautiful sight -- but to ascend a waterfall is quite something else altogether! I was so thankful that my Columbia hiking shoes held up to its claim of being waterproof (my best SGD$143 investment!). My feet and socks stayed relatively dry despite dragging them through all those puddles and rivulets!

Someone was right when he warned, "If you don't have good cardio, don't try this." The trek up Mount Kinabalu got our hearts pumping at full speed most of the way, and the intensity increased the higher we went. At those higher altitudes, there is much less oxygen, and you find yourself trying to catch your breath with even the minutest effort. At one point toward the last kilometre, I had to stop every three steps just to catch my breath. As I was gasping for air, I was thinking, "How am I ever going to get there!".

The secret is - One Step at a Time. It was a mental journey as much as a physical one. Many times, I found myself chanting, "One step at a time". Don't think about how far more we have to go, don't worry about keeping time... just put the next foot forward, and eventually you will get there.

When we did get to Laban Rata, I was never so happy to sit down and just enjoy a cup of hot Sabah tea (mm, the best!). Just to breathe deeply without gasping was a blessing in itself. We take such things as being able to breathe for granted!

After such a laborious climb to Laban Rata, we made the decision not to attempt the summit at 2am. As it were, we were already feeling the effects of altitude, with mild headaches and nausea and laboured breathing. Even the simple effort of climbing up to the bunk bed left us breathless and hearts pounding. Having never been at such high altitude, I was unsure of my own body's ability to adjust and cope. I did not want to be like that guy who had to get hauled down the mountain on a stretcher because of severe altitude sickness!

Coupled with the difficulty of laborious breathing, I could not imagine how we would have made it up to the summit on those steep granite slopes where I'm told you have to use a lot of strength to haul yourself up via rope, and where the steps were much steeper than the earlier stretch. If it was this hard to breathe at the 10,900 ft mark, how much harder would it be at 13,435 ft!

So it was relatively easy for Wilf and I to decide that Laban Rata was our final destination. I am glad we decided not to go further, as there is something to be said about recognising your own ability and limitations, and feeling what your body tells you (ie. if you're feeling the altitude, don't play with nature -- never underestimate the mountain!). No summit is worth risking your life for.

Our hut where we were assigned was 100 m higher than Laban Rata, so we still had to haul our packs across some slick granite slopes to reach our bunks. Most of the climbers went to bed immediately after dinner, around 7:30 or 8pm. But the altitude sickness (headache, nausea) made sleep difficult and with the constant noise from other climbers in the rickety hut we were in (Gunting Lagadan hut), getting any zzzs was virtually impossible.

At 2am, the climbers who were shooting for the summit prepared for their last ascent. Things quietened down after 3am, and it was only about 4am when Wilf and I managed to snatch some shut-eye for two hours. We had to wake at 6am in order to get ready to meet our guide at 7am for our descent.

After a quick breakfast at Laban Rata (we couldn't eat much), we began our descent at 8:15am, finally reaching the bottom at 12:30pm. Coming down took us four hours and 15 minutes, compared to seven hours going up. I must admit, I was quite eager to get down!

Our guide Fendly wisely commented that the difficulty when going up is breathing; the difficulty when coming down is your legs. He was right! Coming down those steps was tough on the knees, but actually, I found it was a lot easier than going up, at least for me. Wilf was even able to bound across two steps sometimes, and at some sections, he was even running down! Short-legged me had to use BOTH legs to clear ONE step at a time.

I have never been a big fan of walking sticks, but this time, I am so glad I had brought one. A walking stick helps to give you balance and takes the pressure off your knees as you descend. Another blessed SGD$12 investment from the Army Store at Golden Mile market!

The real soreness of my heavily-pounded-on quads and calves took its toll the day after the descent. I woke up to legs that felt utterly useless! I could hardly put any weight on them without wincing, grimacing and hobbling. My sister said I was walking like an old lady!! Thankfully, it took a day for the severity to subside, and a dip in the cool water of our swimming pool must have helped to relax the muscles or stretch them out somehow.

We had initially thought about getting a massage, but our muscles were too sore to even be touched! So I am looking forward to a day next week when perhaps I might pay a visit to my massage therapist again and once more rediscover the bliss of untensed, uncramped muscles.

In retrospect, what advice would we offer for would-be Kinabalu climbers?

1. Pack lighter. Ditch that 5-pound SLR camera or video cam. Get a pocket-sized one. Every extra pound adds to your burden. Bring bare minimum. You will be so happy not to have to lug that extra pound up.

2. Stay a first night at altitude (at the Kinabalu HQ at 5,000 ft) before the climb. That might have helped us adjust to the climate and higher thinner air better.

3. Bring rain gear. We were so glad we did.

4. Bring a walking stick. A must! We were so glad we did.

5. Bring gloves for the ropes. It helps to prevent friction burn. I never got to use mine, but it became an aid to another climber we befriended who didn't bring his. At least my gloves made it to the summit, even if I didn't :)

6. Drink lots of water. Hydration is the best way to aid acclimatisation. Besides, you'll be losing lots of water along the climb. Keep the fluids topped up.

7. Don't stop for too long. We suggest 5-10 minutes, just to catch your breath and regain regular heartbeat. If you stop too long, your muscles go into "relax" mode which makes starting the next stretch even harder.

8. Pack your clothes in plastic bags. If it rains and your pack gets wet, you'll be glad your clothes are protected. In my case, all my extra socks got wet, so I was really hauling up extra useless clothing for nothing!

9. Bring warm clothing, as for winter. It was colder than we expected, and a winter jacket would have been great, as are thermal underwear. Don't forget a balaclava (face mask) for those strong winds up high.

10. Train up your cardio strength. While step training definitely helps, such as extended mountain hiking, do also work in activities that build your heart rate (ie. jogging, steep cycling etc) to work up to 85% max, so you can better tackle those steep sections at altitude.

11. Don't compare. Listen to your body. There will be others who are faster than you. So be it. Enjoy your own pace.

Ps. View photos of our climb on my Facebook

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Friday, May 12, 2006

Missing Something? Anything?

What have I missed? I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something, as I'm trying to get every detail of my life sorted out - that, or stuffed into some box somewhere before I leave on 30 May.

It's storming heavily outside. Rain and thunder... just like my turbulent emotions right now. What am I doing? Oh my...

2006 is going to go down in history as a Milestone of Madness!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Either You're God Or You're Wrong

About perspective and not boxing God up, Diane Gorsuch reminded me today that if I could comprehend infinity, I am either God -- or I'm wrong. Chances are... (Hello, if you needed to think about this, you are definitely Not God, and that makes you Just As Wrong As I Am!!!!)

Think about that...

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Must I Always Bloom?

In the midst of packing, I came across an article I had kept more than 10 years ago. For some reason, this piece of paper never found its way to the bin. It spoke to me then, and now it seems apt that I should stumble upon it again, for I needed the encouragement.

For those of us in the "dark night" or in a period of "spiritual dormancy", it is an encouragement to be reminded that sometimes, it is OK not to bloom. Sometimes we need to enter "spiritual rest" - such that even though we "appear dead, in fact, (we) may even be growing, though it gives no sign".

Rather than for me to paraphrase it, let me just share the article in its entirety:

"MUST I ALWAYS BLOOM?"
By Dorothy L Hsu
Moody magazine, April 1985 (p. 111)

An African violet plant hangs from the ceiling in my daughter's bedroom. Although no blooms are visible now, its foliage looks green and firm. I'm not surprised. Every winter the plant appears to be asleep, then suddenly, near spring, buds appear, and pink blossoms brighten the corner.

Should I always bloom in my spiritual life? I don't. I go through barren, desolate periods when I hardly feel like shouting "Praise the Lord!". Some mornings take tremendous strength to force myself from bed to my knees. Only with great discipline can I rivet my attention to God's Word. During those times, i question my spiritual survival. I "feel" dead.

I've discovered that God compares us to trees (Psalm 1; Jer. 17:7-8) and vine branches (John 15:5). He expects us to bear fruit, so He prunes us. I experienced the Lord's pruning through my husband's death eight years ago. The pruning knife hurt severely; its wounds are tender still. But the Lord knew what He was about. My grief drove me to Him. In desperation I absorved the Word, clung to my Father and consequently discovered new growth springing up - shoots of love, joy, peace and longsuffering.

Few plans bear fruit or blossom continuously. In Psalm 1, David notes that the godly man brings forth fruit in his season.

I'm elated to read in "Flowering House Plants" by James Crockett that "different plants rest in different ways and at different seasons... Some merely cease to flower but retain their green leaves. Some stop growing but give no other sign that they are resting. Some drop their leaves but retain moisture in their stems and branches, and stand like green skeletons. Some go into the extreme form of rest that horticulturists call dormancy: all vegetation above ground lies down and the plant appears dead although below ground it may be in a state somewhat similar to animal hibernation; in fact, it may even be growing, though it gives no sign."

From the absence of flowers to the brittle, dry appearance of death, I've seen it all. But, I'm not dead! At those times, growth is taking place underground. Later when the Bible again lives for me, when I am able to rejoice, I see that growth did occur.

Even AW Tozer had dry spells that he couldn't explain. In "That Incredible Christian", he observed, "If we are dry because of some wrong on our part (such as an unconfessed sin, fatigue or monotony), the Spirit through His Word will show us the fault." Otherwise he suggests, "when we feel dry, it is wise either to ignore it or to tell God about it without any sense of guilt."

Perhaps, like plants, we need dormant periods for rest, to prepare us for another growing spurt. If I hadn't just recovered from a barren time several months ago, I would not have been able to share hope with my friend Nancy in her spiritual drought.

I don't have all the answers about dry periods. But when the next one comes, I'm going to peek at the violet in Rachel's room. If it's not blooming, I'll be reminded that it will. I can abide the dormant periods when I know they are neither wasted nor permanent. Blossoms are on the way.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Why...

Today, I just have one question, Lord.

Why...

Why, Lord, am I so unable without You? And yet, why is it that sometimes I just feel that You've forgotten me, and have left me to my own devices? Why is it that I keep feeling like a failure, and that I'll never be good enough? Why is it that things fell apart the way they did? Why do I feel like I'll never be able to make it? Why do I feel that I'm about to crash, and no one's going to catch me? Why is it that You seem so far away? Why is it that I feel so far away?

Why...

Friday, April 28, 2006

Good Fear

My friend Adeline reminded me that fear is the necessary ingredient for faith, without which we remain comfortable in our comfort zones. Walking on water doesn't come without a dose of realistic fear. So is starting a new life in a new land.

I am thankful that I have a friend with whom I can walk this parallel journey with. Although Ad's off to Australia, and I'm off to Canada, the trials and transitions are the same. Our currency may differ, but the currency of faith is the same. Are we trusting in God to see us through a new beginning?

Sometimes I feel that I have faith in God only because I have nowhere else to look but up. Then again, perhaps that is right where God wants me to be. For if I had every answer, I tend to forget that it is NOT me who holds the future, but the Lord.

So in facing the unknown future, I am forced to face my faith - and confront its existence, and the measure in which it exists.

Fear illicits faith. Perhaps that, in itself, is not a bad thing.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Clear the Clutter

Have you ever tried fitting your entire life into two suitcases? I'm about to try. This is going to be In-ter-es-ting.

The process of planning and preparing to uproot has been a good exercise in streamlining and simplifiying. It is healthy to do this once in a while, so I would recommend it to everyone -- Clear the Clutter!

Actually, it's also more than just physical things you have to pack up. There's such a thing as emotional clutter too. So while packing those bags, there's a parallel journey in the unseen realm that must be dealt with too. Otherwise, unsorted baggage that you end up lugging around with you will come back to haunt you with all its gory cobwebs and accumulated germified gunk. No Thank You!

So, a word of advice to all in transit... clean out the cobwebs, shake off those shackles, close those doors properly -- and don't forget to shut the windows as well! :)

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Of Nostalgia and Melancholy

Closure to a decade back in Singapore evokes some really strange sensations - at once glad and sad, fear yet excitement. There is a pendulum of emotions, and today, the swing is on the Semi-Sad-Pondering-Melancholic mark, as I wonder what's in store, and sometimes not feeling as confident how this Crazy Thang Called Canada is gonna work out.

Just because everything is so unknown, and I can't plan ahead to the next thing, whatever it is, it makes me feel nervous and frightened that I might stumble with my next step, and fall really flat on my face!

Yet, God says, He will not let my foot slip because He is the one who holds my hand. Will He hold on to me? Has He forgotten me... forgiven me?

The wheels are set in motion and come what may, there is a plane seat waiting for me on 30 May 2006, bound for Toronto. In many ways, I can't wait! But in many other ways, packing my entire life now as I prepare to go stirs up a myriad of unfamiliar emotions, and I find myself struggling with strange sensations....

But I think I have to go. It is a new journey, a new season,a new phase. A new chapter awaits to be written.

A chapter called Canada.

So as my life now lies in boxes and suitcases, I must not let the emotions get to me too much, and remind myself that transitions are of such a nature -- evoking melancholy and nostalgia, yet an anticipation of new things and new beginnings.

Monday, April 17, 2006

What I Won't Miss...

There is something in Singapore that I know FOR SURE that I won't miss -- EVER! -- and that is, those creepy slimy icky LIZARDS.

I freaked out today when I "met" a lizard peering precociously at me from my tap, as I bent over to wash my face. Just as I splashed water on my cheeks, I suddenly felt this ominous presence "looming" over me... and there was this squeamishly brown sliver of a cold-blooded creature staring straight at me!!

OH HEAVENS!!!

I nearly jumped out of my skin, as I leapt two thousand feet away from the sink and then froze in panic, as I stared frantically at the intruder, invading not just my bathroom, but my very sense of safety and privacy.

What do I do now???

For the next few minutes, I tried to figure out how to turn off the running water. Finally, I decided to use a packet of pads nearby to flick the tap off, and then promptly went running downstairs for help.

Thank God for Chandra, our maid, who is adept at lizard-killing, and after spraying the intruder with Baygon to weaken its defenses, Redbook magazine made its mark in my life once again -- not just in words, but by being the weapon that secured my freedom and liberty once again.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Friends

As I prepare to leave an old world behind, I wonder about the friends I've made here... Will they still be friends, even though we are no longer in the same time zone and space?

I suppose one must trust on the strength of friendships fostered over the years. But only time will reveal the real "lastingness" of what we have invested over time.

It is sad but true that many friendships are really only acquaintances -- harboured only because of an activity, not because of true connection or real depth.

I suppose I will not mourn too deeply the loss of such acquaintances, but I pray that those friendships which are near and dear to me will continue to be cherished relationships that will last a lifetime, even if we are in different parts of the world.

That, to me, would be the greatest gift of all -- the gift of forever friends.

Power Packing

The invention of vacuum-sealed bags must be the godsent genius of someone who REALLY needed to get stuff stuffed in!

I only discovered its existence when my friend, Julie Gamponia, called me from Thailand to find out if I was still in Singapore, and in the process, suggested using these vacuum-sealed bags to Fit Everything into my two what-seems-really-tiny-now suitcases. Awesome!

I have been packing and packing... but it seems like my stuff is just everywhere! How is all this ever going to get cleared?? One day at a time, I suppose. At the moment, it was one T-shirt at a time, for I've probably cleared out at least three boxes of old clothes to give away (to our helper, Chandra). Gracious, the things we accumulate in life!

Anyway, I'm getting there finally, and in six weeks, when I hop on that plane to Toronto, hopefully I would have gotten everything sorted out.

I can't believe I'm actually REALLY doing it -- leaving my life in Singapore behind and starting all over again in Toronto. At least there's where I'll start out, and see how it goes -- roll with the punches as they come! I really do need some change in my life, and now's as good a time as ever.

Frankly, I am a little nervous. But then again, most of the time, I just can't wait! I couldn't settle for mediocrity in my life, and to stay put while knowing there's a bigger world out there just seems so wrong! Besides, I am of the belief that "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" -- ie. translated, "tis better to have tried and failed, than to never have tried at all".

Like I said, the fear of turning into a grumpy old woman with too many regrets is just Not An Option for me. Life may not be all a pot of roses, but it's how you navigate through it that makes the difference. For me, facing a challenge is better than sinking in defeat.

So, armed with that, I'm back to the packing. Thank God for vacuum-sealed bags - and a friend who told me about them :)

Friday, March 31, 2006

Moment of Glory

Yesterday was a moment of honour for me. I did not expect to be mentioned at Nanz's book launch, but she not only honoured me with her words in front of everyone, she also gave me a bouquet of lovely purple roses! Wow... thank you, Nanz, it means so much.

I cannot believe that this ISN'T part of a dream... most of the time, book editors/designers like me are always part of the unseen fabric of the publishing process, while the authors and publishers get the credit. Today, it feels awesome to be acknowledged for making a book happen. I simply cannot describe how elated I feel right now!

Elated because there's a great book out. One that not only reads well, but looks good.

Elated also because I had been blessed with the opportunity to be part of the process. (Birthing a book always comes with a sense of exhilaration!)

And elated because I still get to do what I love doing -- publishing!

Best yet, I met some key power-people at the launch. In fact, they approached me, wanting to be in touch -- perhaps for future opportunities? Well, who knows, but it doesn't hurt to be in touch with the Singapore Book Publishers, right? Or a head-hunting company :)

Thursday, March 30, 2006

An Imprint Of Print On This World Citizen

I love being involved in magazine and book publishing... did I say that already? I am thankful that my work is not a chore, and that I enjoy the labours of my hands. Thank you, Lord, for making publishing and print an imprint of my life :)

In the two months before I leave for Canada, I will be gainfully engaged with getting a couple of issues of inflight magazines out. It has been quite a load of fun working with this expanding publishing company, and we're starting to jive as a team. I guess there is a part of me that feels a tinge of regret that I am leaving the country, and therefore the fellowship of these publishing colleagues... but the regret is not enough to make me give up Canada. I only pray that the editors here will be gracious enough to allow me the opportunity to prove that remote working is a possibility, and that I will still be able to get my work done well even from a distance. Just give me a chance, please!

Sometimes I cannot believe that I am actually going to do it... Go to Canada, that is. After talking and talking, thinking and thinking, I'm finally doing it! I can't wait -- despite the nervousness in my heart, there is a tingle of excitement and anticipation of new things, new possibilities... and I must surge ahead.

I have to.

I do not wish for regrets and "what ifs" to mark the landscape of my life story.

Interestingly, I've been meeting people who keep telling me to "go for it". A German-cum-lived-in-UK/Australia/Singapore colleague at this publishing firm I'm freelancing at shared about his journey in crossing cultures, calling the likes of him and I "world citizens". I totally understand that! Others call it "third culture persons" -- we neither belong here nor there, but we can generally fit anywhere.

Well, that's me. I don't fit anywhere and yet I can fit everywhere. And while fitting in is one thing, this world citizen also knows what she likes -- publishing. If all dreams and ideals come true, I will find my niche in print even in the far ends of Canada, for it is what I love to do, and hope I will always get to do.

Friday, March 24, 2006

A Record Of Work

Just for the record here, in the process of the last few months, I've completed several books and booklets -- from a 300 pager business inspirational book to a 110 pager anniversary coffee table book to a 24 pager calendar to a 200 pager book manuscript, not the mention copy-editing three booklet supplements for a local mag. Awesome!

Just wanna thank God for the opportunity to publish, publish and publish!

I lurrrrrve my work!!!

Making Life

Many moons from the last post, da Belle is Back!

Back from Canada after spending a month in lovely winter...
Back in Singapore for two months before going back to Canada in May...
And finally, I'm back on this blog!

This past year has been so topsy turvy, it's been hard to maintain a blog properly. But hey, a few notes here and there, once in a while, is better than none at all, right? So here's da Belle checkin' in...

So what's been happening? After 10 months of adjustments, transitions and hard work freelancing, I finally took a break to Caaaanada, where I spent some awesome time on the snow-capped mountains of Banff and the prairie terrain of Calgary. Not to mention the winter beaches of the hidden escapades of cliff-ridden water-surrounded Tofino and Ucluelet... awesome!!! And the company with me made it all the more fun and delightful -- you know who you are :)

And now that I'm back for two months in the sweltering heat of Singapore, I'm packing up to Make The Move. I'm finally packing up my life here and making that West-bound trip that I'd been talking about for so long.

Am I crazy? Probably. But I don't want to live my life with regrets and dashed hopes, and turning 60 years old and wondering, "What if...", "If only..." or "I should've...".

So that's why I'm throwing caution to the wind, and simply jumping off the safe confines of the cliff... in order to find my hopes, find my dreams, find myself...

And perhaps one day, when this wandering pilgrim on her sojourn can finally find her own nest to settle in, there will be a story of travels to tell... about how life is how you make it to be. No one will live it for you -- it is up to you to find yourself.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

New Life for the New Year

Turning point in my life... I am seriously packing up and wrapping up my life in Singapore. CDs given away, books packed up and soon to be given away too...

What lies ahead? What awaits me?

Good grief, I have no clue! But all that's guaranteed is this...

CHANGE.

Somewhere, someone once said, Change Is Good.

So, hey, with open arms, I'm about to step out and embrace Change.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Given The Blessing To Go

Today is mega-family day again. It is a little strange to hang out with my uncles who remind me of my dad -- and when my second uncle (from Muar, who's in town right now) comments to my mum that I remind him of my dad, something funny turns in my heart and I get that funny lump in my throat which I immediately suppress because I think if I didn't, I might lose some liquid from my eyes.

In the car with my third uncle, he casually raises the subject of me wanting to go to Canada. And funnily, he is all supportive. He says, "If you want to go, go." And he means it.

Then I say, "I'm not sure if I should try to save up first, or just go and wing it...?"

And he says, "Just go."

Having that word of blessing means a lot. I don't know if it's symbolic, but I just need approval from my authority figures whenever I make a major decision -- and this is, obviously, one of those major decisions. I suppose, indirectly, he is the closest brother to my father in Singapore. Naturally closest to my dad is actually my fourth uncle who is in Malaysia -- and who told me, in August this year, that if I want to go overseas, he doesn't see why not either.

So I guess it's just a matter of time that I'll be going.

I'm seriously planning for it... and hopefully it'll be soon.

Canada, here I come...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

November Notes

I got to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire yesterday, courtesy of a girlfriend who got company tickets free. She blessed me by getting me in FOC! :)

I finally caved in and bought myself a foldable portable speaker which can plug into my MP3 thumb-drive or computer. For 35 bucks, I'm rather pleased with my new tech gadget. Of course, I also spent 80 bucks for my printer toner and another 25 for 25 pieces of DVD-Rs. So I've just spent a tad much -- more credit card bonus points for redemption later, haha.

I also bought a book by Joni Eareckson Tada called "Choices Changes" for 2 bucks. What a steal. Some guy was selling second-hand books off the streets at Raffles Place. I felt “choices” and "change" call out to me -- and I just know this book is going to be an encouragement already. This faithless spirit needs some faith-filling.

Next week will be my final week with the women's magazine I've been at for the last three months, filling for the sub-editor who is on maternity leave. Sigh. I’ll miss being here, but I guess there'll be new things to engage with. Well, after today's beauty sale, I am also 43 bucks poorer -- but now I've got my make-up cupboard restashed for the year ahead. Till the next time I do copy work at this office, no more beauty shopping! :)

Tomorrow, I will pick up a new project on an anniversary book that must be completed by end of the year for a medical association. I'll also have to work on some other copywriting jobs that coincidentally landed on my lap just last week – I say “coincidentally” because the jobs happen to come just when the current job is finishing.

Sometimes I really am of little faith. In moments of sanity and objectivity, I can see how God is providing for me each step of the way – not too far in advance, but just one step at a time. Yet, when I'm in the throes of emotions, I totally forget how HE is always in control, no matter how I feel -- and even no matter how WRONG or hurtful other people are, God is always RIGHT on the money. And in case you missed the point, I'm not talking about money alone either ;)

Well, that's my encouragement for us all today. Perhaps there will be better, brighter days ahead – that’s what hope and faith is all about, right? I admit, I am trying hard not to be anxious about possibilities in Canada, and trying even harder to forget about that visa application.

Here’s where faith must rise up to replace fear – right?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Pain of Forgiveness

Which one of us doesn't struggle with this issue of forgiveness?

For me, I've discovered that while it is something I aspire towards, it doesn't always come naturally. It is something my cognitive mind tells me is imperative for my soul's health; yet, how my emotional heart finds it hard to release the healing balm called forgiveness. It seems far easier to cling on to Justice and Fairness than to offer Forgiveness. But how necessary it is in order for us to move on...

Recently, I was hurt by what I felt was a betrayal of loyalty, honesty and trust. Like the CIA agent who was betrayed by her own country when the leaders leaked her identity, I felt betrayed by some key people in my life.

Perhaps I don't always have the clearest or rightest perspective, but the pain sure cut deep. The bewilderment of the pain of betrayal caught me off-guard and I felt like the breath was knocked out of my lungs, hit me hard in my gut.

After the emotional tsunami subsided and many buckets of tears later, I was forced to ask myself, "So, now what? What do you want to do about it now?"

I could cling on to pain and hurt, and demand justice. Or I could leave justice to the Lord, and release forgiveness.

To be honest, my heart has not yet come to its resting point. Of course my head tells me to trust God to be just, and Let It Go. But my heart still smarts, and forgiveness does not come easy.

So to be honest, I'm not going to say, oh, hey, I've done it. The truth is, it still hurts. But all I can say is, I'm working on it.

I'll get there. Soon, I promise.

Update of The Last Three Months...

Has it been three months since I came by this blog? Whose blog is this? Oh! It's mine! It's been so long, I've forgotten... ;) hahaha...

The last three months have been a whole new realm of experiences and craziness for me. In a nutshell, I've jumped from secure job to uncertain future (Part 1) -- and a wanna-get-outta-here mode (Part 2).

Part 1: Uncertain Future
That's the nature of freelancing, I suppose. You never know when your next job or project is going to come. But given all things, I must count my blessings and give thanks to God for providing for me. I am thankful for the things I have had the opportunity to do in the last three months, which are:

1. Book editing (a couple)
2. Magazine copy editing (a couple too)
3. Magazine article writing (more than a couple)
4. Involved in a magazine launch (hear me rrrroarrr!)
5. Contemplated book writing (but turned this one down)

Part 2: Wanna-Get-Outta-Here Mode
6. Applied for a PR in a cold country (and praying something will happen within next year)

So actually, Part 2 is what I'm really more interested in. I think a change is needed in my life, and I really wanna-get-outta-here asap. Please let a miracle happen soon!!!

In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of packing up in my life -- readying myself for M-oooving. Call me preliminary, but I just need so badly for change!

Oh, the last three months have also seen a big part of my life called Pain and Closure. So... I guess you can say I've been busy. Just a tad. So you'll have to excuse me for not being diligent at updating this blog regularly.

So here, there you have it -- an update :)

Monday, July 25, 2005

Interesting Interview

God is everywhere -- and He connects His people through the strangest of methods and the most interesting of ways. Last Friday, I conducted an interview for a magazine profile on a CEO who had started her own company under unusual circumstances.

Through our time together, we had a good chat about her life and what inspires her and makes her tick. But it was only at the end of the interview when her response to my last question really encouraged me.

I had asked her, "So what parting words would you share with our readers?"

To which she replied, without knowing my religious inclinations, "I would tell all women to read Proverbs 31 in the Bible. Whenever I am down, I read that chapter for inspiration and encouragment."

In the capacity of our interaction, which was purely a business interview for a magazine, she did not know I was a Christian too. Yet, she had publicly brought her faith into the limelight. Everytime someone takes a stand for Christ, I am encouraged!

Anyway, to cut the long story short, I got my story for the profile piece, but more than that, I got something only God could have given -- a little bit of encouragement, a little bit of delight, and a little bit more faith in knowing that there is a Kingdom of believers out there. We are not alone, and wherever we go, Christ becomes our common ground, a platform to connect that is unique only to Christians.

PS. Did I mention that now the work part is done, even though she and I had met only for the first time last Friday, we've decided that we might go cycling together? :) Communion of the saints!

Monday, July 18, 2005

God Is With Me - In The Midst

In the last two months, I have experienced countless blessings from God - even if sometimes, I may not have recognised them right away.

Reflecting on the "turmoil" of my life, I realise that in the midst of what seems to be "cloudiness" is really "God at work"! And I think my faith has been increased that much more, as I consider the faithfulness of God in the life of this unfaithful one.

I want to learn to count my blessings more often, and to trust Him daily -- not just in good times, or when things work out, but even IN THE MIDST of pain and problems.

Yesterday, God spoke comfort to me through a divine appointment that helped me to process closure, and yet, not just about ending a chapter, but about starting a new one...

I think this is a season of newness for me. I believe God wants to teach me many things. I believe it is starting here. Dismantling the old to reassemble the new. Throwing out the old wineskin in exchange for a new one.

My future is uncertain, but my calling is certain. I write this to articulate my belief in a God who has always come through for me, even in my doubt and faithlessness. I have seen Him come through for me throughout my life, and particularly in this short period of two months alone, His provision has been so evident! I am awed, overwhelmed and so grateful for a God who cares about me, and I know I can trust God 100% -- even in the midst of the storms and tsunamis of my life.

"Those who were hungry cease to hunger. Even the barren gives birth to seven... He keeps the feet of His godly ones." (1 Samuel 2:5,9)

Monday, July 11, 2005

Catching Up With Friends

This is a season of change -- and part of that is to reconnect with friends again, a much-needed and much-appreciated process! Last month, I spent the better part of my time "transiting" emotionally. But this month, I'm much readier to meet people, and reconnecting with friends again has been exceptionally wonderful for my soul.

I realise that I NEED to interact with people, and I need to feel the sense that our lives are intertwined, that we make a difference in each other's lives. I'm an Extrovert that way. I need external stimulus by way of friends. Introverts probably have no clue what I'm talking about, as they're motivated Internally. But as for me, I need that stimulation Externally.

Anyway, the point is, I'm enjoying my friends tremendously -- and filling my social calendar again has been "feeding and healing" for my soul. Thank You, Lord, for friends and for the people in my life whom I can grow together with.

I also had a great time being on worship team yesterday. I enjoyed the creative expression of music, and discovered that in the process of worship, I discover God -- and myself at the same time! Perhaps the irony is that in discovering God, you discover your true identity... what do you think? In Christ, I am complete, and the path to the soul-search is in the worship of God.

"For a day in Thy courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness." (Psalm 84:10)

Friday, July 08, 2005

Day Of Connecting

Yesterday was an interesting day. I had lunch with two good friends -- and I mean, two separate lunches back to back! And lest you were wondering, no, I did not eat two full lunches! Spaced 'em out, of course, so I could eat right and still meet both my pals :) The latter was planned, but the former was an "accidental" lunch, since I was early and he happened to be free. I thank God for unexpectedly blessings like this!

Later that evening, I attended the Haggai Institute Convocation Dinner, where I met some old friends from my previous church, Mount Carmel, whom I had not seen in ages. Interestingly, in the lift, I met someone who, when I introduced myself, exclaimed, "Oh, you're Annabel!"

My, that surprised me!! I was surprised that she knew about me -- even though I had absolutely no clue who she was! Of course, it was not too much later when I discovered she was actually the wife of a Very Important Person there (much to my embarrassment that I didn't know that!), and the reason why she recognised my name was because one of the pals who started COMPASS magazine with me actually works for her (she's a Big Gun!), and had mentioned me to her regarding my Christian publishing skill and experience.

Ain't life just full of surprises!

Turns out that later that evening, I ended up sitting next to the head of the Girls Brigade in Singapore. I think she was interested in exploring work possibilities with me! (She did take my card...)

So I had a pretty eventful day, to say the least.

And so is this weekend! Tomorrow, for the first time after a hiatus of almost five years, I am going to be singing on the worship team as one of three vocalists again. Woo hoo... (Wonder if my voice still exists)...

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Words, words, words

I'm having a fun time editing book manuscripts, although I must confess, cleaning copy can be tedious when there are so many pages of errors! How can people write so carelessly, I'll never understand. I guess sometimes there's inspiration, and sometimes there just, well, ISN'T.

Anyway, I've got some magazine article assignments as well, and I'm waiting to conduct a phone interview right now. Been waiting for half an hour already. Sigh. So I'm updating my blog while I'm waiting, haha :) Anyway, hopefully it'll be a good chat, so I can write up the story right away.

Tomorrow I have to go into the book publisher's office to put final touches to the book manuscript. Yay, hopefully this is the LAST of it! I've been at this particular project for the entire month and I'd REALLY like to put this baby to bed.

Oops, here comes my phoner. Gotta run. Chat later!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Learning A New Language -- Using My Hands!

I'm halfway through my Basic Sign Language course at the Singapore Association for the Deaf (SADeaf). I'm enjoying the process of "language acquisition" all over again -- it's like going back to basic ENGLISH school, what with past tense, past participles, nouns, verbs, adverbs, adjectives, etc. WHOA...

But what I'm really enjoying most is actually piecing proper sentences and phrases together. So far, it's been really good. I'm so glad I took it up. For once in my life, I'm getting a glimpse of another world that is so remote to me. I only regret that I hadn't done it sooner -- because then I might have been able to better communicate with my cousin Mel earlier!

Anyway, I'm slowly picking stuff up, but the truth is, language doesn't "stick" so naturally. That is, with any language, you simply have to Practice, Practice, Practice in order to Successfully Retain. I really hope I can remember my signs, because I REALLY want to learn how to communicate with deaf people in real life.

And you know what's the worst part -- my fingers are just sooooo S-T-I-F-F... argh! I don't know how my cousins Mel and Kev fingerspell so fast -- I can seldom "read" what they had spelt, even though they had been kind enough to slow down for me. As for me, I literally "stumble" over my own fingers, alphabetising with what seems to be athritis-ridden hands that keep getting crossed!!!

Anyway, that said, I'm getting there, hopefully (albeit slowly). We have a signing test in three weeks. Yikes. Involves reading five fingerspelled words, five signs, and fully piecing together 10 sentences consisting 75 words! My problem is in Receptivity -- as in, understanding what the other person is signing -- and I'm a bit concerned about that. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed -- oops, no pun intended! :))

Career Change

Sorry for the long lapse of silence. If you actually follow this blog, man, apologies! But then again, my life was going through major upheaval. Actually, what's happened in the last three months would have provided tons of fodder for this blog. But you see, I was too busy actually living my life and trying to survive the upheaval, so I hope you understand why I had to abandon ship (or rather, abandon blog) here for a while. Sorry to all my fans out there (haha, if any, that is!).

Anyway, so now that my life has officially been "kicked up in the air" and the jigsaw picture shattered into a million pieces, I am feeling exactly like that -- "shattered" and my life feels like "a million pieces in the air"!

I have NO IDEA what my future holds. It's frightening for a Type A personality like me. I need a plan. A blueprint. A goal. Rather, goals. One short-term, and one long-term -- AT LEAST.

Maybe this season is to teach me to let go. Trust in God. Try living without A Plan. (Yikes!)

Well, for now, let's just say I'm getting used to working from home. Freelancing kinda grows on ya. I'm enjoying doing freelance writing, magazine copy editing and book editing. But being a E (Extraverted) type, I am a little afraid that I might sink into a depression if I don't have enough external interaction/stimulation from the rest of the world. (I think the I (Introverted) people probably have NO IDEA what I'm talking about!)

Anyway, for all the frightening elements that inevitably come with CHANGE, I guess I am thankful that God has provided me with at least enough freelance projects to:

a. Keep my active mind occupied (so that I won't go crazy while at home!)
b. Basic $$ to cover my expenses (so that I won't actually starve or find my phone line cut off!)
c. Still have enough time to rest from five years of intense frenzy

I'm still getting used to "being free" -- must confess, being "Nuah" (teochew for "lazing around") does NOT come naturally for me. But I am starting to enjoy actually NOT having to wake up before 9 am, and experiencing the new sensations that come with being anti-Type A -- for a CHANGE.

Well, sometimes I think I'm in the process of rediscovering myself.

My cousin and I joke about this strange phenomena of the "Nuah Type A", or alternatively, the "Tidak Apa Perfectionist". Haha!

Having been at least 31 years of Perfectionist Type A in the making, I have a feeling Nuah-ness and Tidak-Apa-ness aren't going to be so quick in developing... that is, uh, unless we follow the Five Year Plan To Nuahness...???

LOL.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Moving On

Change is good. I am moving on. This is an emotional period for me, because change is hard. But change is good. Change is necessary.

My papers are in the mail.
My possibilities are in the hands of others.
But my pain is all mine...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Deafening (Defining) Hope

Last night, I officially completed the Deaf Culture, Communication and Language (DCCL) course at the Singapore Association for the Deaf (SADeaf). Even got a certificate for it! Of course, the irony is that, practically speaking, such a cert really means nothing if you can't actually communicate properly! Brings new meaning to "the paper's worthless" (but I sure am glad I attended the course) :)

Our instructor, Freddie is deaf -- but he is totally cool! I enjoy his teaching so much! He's so funny, and always making fun of us hearing folks, when it comes to how we are unable to express ourselves. I really enjoy deaf people -- they are so expressive and communicative, and for someone who enjoys performing and expressing herself too, I suddenly realise that deaf people and I have quite a bit in common! :) I hope I will have a chance to make friends with them in time to come. Of course, I have to first acquire the language to communicate with them...

With the DCCL cert in hand, I am delighted that I finally qualify to take up the Basic Sign Language Course 1 (BS 1) starting April 5. I can't wait! (To my dear cousin Mel, you're my source of inspiration! And thanks for being so patient with me while I fumble with my hands :))

This Saturday, I will visit the SADeaf performing group to see what they do. Song signing sounds like fun! Then in the afternoon, I'll probably hop on the bike with the Touch Diabetes Support (TDS) group to continue our triathlon training -- a 12 km cycle and 2 km run at East Coast. (I think I'm a bit "siow" -- ie. MAD! -- to think I can do this...!!!) Anyway, I figure, better to have tried and failed than to never have tried and never know your true ability, right? ;) Face your fears!!!

This week is also a defining week for me in terms of my work. I won't go into details here, but if you are reading this and actually care two hoots (I accept one hoot as well!:), do say a prayer for me to find resolution to these longstanding issues (about five years, to be exact!)...

Well, I hope there will be something new for me this year. I need some C-H-A-N-G-E.

Oh, and btw, if anyone knows of a good job in America or Canada, drop me a note, k? ;) Thanks!!! :)))

Monday, February 28, 2005

A New Sound

I officially received confirmation of my registration for the Deaf Culture Course starting 8 March. Can't wait! I'm learning something new, and for the first time, stepping into someone else's shoes with intentionality. Something different... perhaps God will open my eyes to see as He sees... or hear as He does...

Perhaps this is a new season in my life... a new beginning to understand a new kind of sound...

Friday, February 25, 2005

What It Once Had Been... or Might Have Been

Heaviness weighed upon my heart last night, as memories of a life once lived seized me in a vise-like grip, pushing me under its nostalgic torrents, yet refusing to let go...

The pains of today, contrasted with the carefree yesterdays, pierced deep in the recesses of the soul, igniting a throbbing ache that suffuses the entire being, refusing to be dulled...

Sorrow trapped in unshed tears, mingled with unspoken grief and unfulfilled longings...

Hope that once was fanned by flames of youth now flickers in the Dusk of Life...

Battle of the Blues

Moods and misery... The melancholic moans...

Monday, February 07, 2005

Heart Of Hearing

God stirred my heart (and my tears) with this poem today. I cried for those who cannot hear the simplest things in life which we have so often taken for granted. Have I ever stepped into someone else's shoes and walked in their silent world? In my selfishness, have I even tried to engage compassion, empathy, love...?

Sometimes, in God's kingdom of reverse values and priorities, I think perhaps my ability might actually be a liability. I may be able to hear, but do I REALLY hear what God is saying...?


I CANNOT HEAR

Now in this life I cannot hear,
one day I will, for Jesus cares.

I cannot hear the birds that sing,
I cannot hear the bells that ring.
For in this life I cannot hear,
but one day I will, for Jesus cares.

I've never heard a baby cry,
or heard the thunder in the sky.
Sometimes I'm lonely and I cry.
I have to brush tears from my eye.
For in this life I cannot hear,
but one day I will, for Jesus cares.

I thank my God that He saved me.
I may be deaf but I've been made free.
I have God's word in Heaven I'll be,
with Him for all eternity.
There I will praise the Lord and sing,
there I will hear the bells that ring.
My deafness gone forever more,
I'll sing with Him, my dear Lord.
I'll sing with angels and happy be,
with Christ my Lord through eternity.

For in this life I cannot hear,
one day I will, for Jesus Cares !

By Ted Camp
Founder and Director
Silent Word Ministries

Connecting With Family

So much has happened in the last month, I scarcely know where to begin! How about in chronological order, starting with the most recent events and going backwards....

1. Tonight, my sister Isabel flew back to Scotland after spending two weeks back home. My, my li'l sister is not so li'l anymore! We had a good time catching up -- she's really becoming a woman in her own rights. Though we are nine years apart, I think that gap seems much less as we grow older. Being able to communicate with her on an adult level is pretty cool :)

It was nice having someone else in the house (other than mum and me). I guess it takes the pressure off me having to relate to mum by myself all the time.

Also, with Isabel back, we also saw a lot more of our married sister, Christabel (and our bro-in-law, Song Yeow). That made the house nice and rowdy, which is quite a change from the usual silent sanctuary it usually is since Isabel went overseas for her studies, and Chris moved into her own marital home.

2. Last weekend, I spent a phenomenal weekend with my beloved cousins in Subang Jaya, Malaysia. Believe it or not, it was my first time visiting the city of KL, even though we live so close by! I really enjoyed my time there -- but the truth is, I think it's not really the sights that made the trip great, but the cool company -- Kev, Mel and Gina. You guys rrrrrock!

3. The week before, our extended family took a trip to Fraser's Hill. It's the first time in a reaaaaally long time since we last hung out as family. It really is kinda neat to have family time, even family worship time.

I guess I've sort of taken that for granted -- our Christian heritage and faith, that is. When I look around at my friends, many of whom are first-generation Christians in their families with non-Christian parents, I realise how blessed our Tan Clan is to have Christ as our family's foundation through the generations, even from way back! Thank You, Lord, for such a rich and blessed heritage -- and for the opportunity to worship God together (despite our different generations and various preferences :))).

Since my cousin Gina has done such a great job of blogging about the Fraser's trip, let me just refer you to her blog for the details and pictures: dreamqueen.blogspot.com. You can also visit my page at: bellybutton.multiply.com for more photos.

4. The week before we went to Fraser's, my KL Cousins came out to visit Singapore over the weekend. It was the first time I got to meet Kev again since he returned from Canada just a month ago, and the first time I was seeing Mel again after more than a decade!!! WOW! I think connecting with my cousins again after all these years is the Best Thing that has happened in a long while! I really hope we will continue to stay in touch. You guys have been such a blessing to me!

Relating with family again is a wonderful thing, and I am particularly pleased that Kev and Mel are back in my life -- once upon a time, we were playmates in the plantation; today, we are friends and fellow-pilgrims in the faith. How very cool indeed! :)

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Heart Of Worship

I had such a great weekend! My beloved cousins from Malaysia spent the weekend with us. I was delighted that Kev, Mel and Gina were able to come to Singapore and hang out with us. Their visit truly cheered up the Tan household at Sirat Place (well, at least it cheered me greatly!), and brought a Bundle of Blessings to this needful heart.

In the midst of the Blessings, God granted me a very special encounter and spoke to my heart deeply. Because my cousin Melvin is deaf, we attended a deaf service at Faith Community Baptist Church on Saturday evening. It was my first time attending a deaf service.

As a musician who has been active in the worship ministry in church -- whether playing the keyboards or singing -- I have always prided myself on being a "worshipper" simply because I had "good musicality" or "excellent musicianship".

But here at the deaf service, God showed me something about what true worship was really about. He convicted me about the poverty of my own worship (which I had often thought was "so great" or at least "good enough"!). Being at the deaf service showed me a glimpse of what really mattered to God, and I am both humbled and rebuked. I have been changed here, and I think I will not be the same again.

We "normal" people are often so picky and petty about musical perfection and audio quality ("more reverb please!" -- but only so that we can sound better, for our own glory!). The soul-searching question is, is our worship really about God? Or about US?!? Under the guise of serving God, we have really been serving ourselves!!!

As I watched the deaf break into their own "song", it is ironic that while their tuneless ramble sounded nothing like what we would have called music, yet there was such beauty in their expressive sign language of "How Great Thou Art" and "Rise Up and Praise Him". It may not have been music that would top the pop charts, as far as their verbalisations were concerned, but I am very sure it was Music in the Lord's ears. He always delights in the worship of His children, in whatever method the worship and adoration came! The issue was a matter of the Heart, not of the Skill.

I am rebuked by the realisation that how often I have relegated my praises of God to a performance of pitch-perfection... but at the expense of True Worship! In our quest for excellence, I wonder if we may have sacrificed worship at the altar of idolatry... an idolatry of Self!

The "silent worship" may be after all, in the final analysis, the Truer and More Acceptable worship than our pitch-perfect tones, which may actually be nothing more than noise in our Lord's ears...

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Grrr is for Grrr-ouchy Grrr-umps

I have been having this headache that just engulfs my entire head and won't go away. It's been there for the last two weeks.

Went to see the doctor yesterday who says it's probably a tension headache. Will monitor for one week and see how. Never had it before. First time. Was really grouchy. Concentration is painful, and I'm more than just a little moody. On painkillers and nerve pain numbing pills or something like that.

So many pills. Good grief. I feel like I'm a drug addict about to overdose.

Grrr. Can you blame me for snapping at a friend last night? I guess it's no excuse, but I was really irritated with my own head, and of course, irritable generally.

Grr again.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

The Sweetest Phone Call

I received the sweetest phone call today just fifteen minutes ago at 6:45 pm. My little four-year-old friend Shjonathan called, and in his four-year-old vocabulary, asked me, "Che Che Bel, can you come?"

He wanted me to come to his house, and repeatedly extended the invitation, attempting to convince me with his four-year-old logic.

"Che Che Bel, can you come? I want to show you something." (He had a lego set and toys which he wanted me to play with him.)

"Che Che Bel, I ask mummy, ok? Can you come?"

When I said it was late already, and that he might have to go to bed soon, he said, "Then you come, ok? Then I can say goodbye to you first (before he went to bed). Can you come?"

I discovered, after asking him a few questions, that his mummy had gone out to fetch daddy home from work. So he was calling me out of his own initiative!

I took the opportunity to remind him, "Than Than, Che Che Bel loves you very much, don't forget that, ok?"

In his sweet little voice, he said, "OK." He received my love in return, and I was glad that today, I had the opportunity to tell him that he mattered to me.

My dear little Shjonathan! I was so moved to receive such a sweet phone call, and feeling so "remembered" and "thought of". I did not expect to feel anything other than sorrow and melancholy today (for I had been particularly struggling with a deep sense of loneliness), but little Shjonathan's phone call really made my day.

His simple gesture of making the phone call symbolised to me an expression of his love and care in his own little way, and perhaps this was God's way of touching me today.

God knew what I needed right at this moment, more than I could have ever articulated myself. He showed His love for me through the warmth and beauty of this little child. I am so blessed.

I love you, Than Than, and I love You too, Lord. Thank You, Lord, for reaching me in such a tangible way. Just when I least expect it, You let me experience Your comfort and touch in a way that surprised me much but blessed me most.

Monday, January 17, 2005

A Child's Delight

My little seven-year-old friend Shjoneman brings me great delight. He is an expressive little boy with a tough exterior, but an extremely tender heart. Tonight when we came to his house, he was so full of delight to see me, and seeing him brought me equal measure of joy, if not more.

I remember a day years back when Shjoneman was just a toddler, probably two years old or thereabouts. He was in the car seat, and his mum was just pulling her car around when he spotted me. I still remember the look of sheer delight that flashed from his big brown eyes, and radiated from his entire face... I had never felt so loved and special and adored all in the same breath! All from this one child's delight!

In that one moment, I think I experienced a rare purity -- one of utter sincerity,and unadulterated affection that was not yet tainted by any selfish motives or malicious intent, but simply sheer delight... of being with someone you love.

Perhaps the real delight was found in This Child, as she basked in the glow of a little boy's love that simply delighted in her just for who she is, not what she had to do or become in order to be liked and loved.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

A Poem

Desire...
Hope unfulfilled, dreams in the making

Desire...
Yearning, aching, longing

Desire...
Emptiness, wanting more

Desire...
Dare we delve?

Desire...
What's for dinner??? :)

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Present Misery, Future Hope

Think we all have known, at some point or another, what it feels like to lose someone you love -- or doing the right thing in letting someone go.

Going through the grieving process takes time. Takes energy. Takes pain. Courage to Feel The Pain in order to move on.

That's my reflection for today as I feel my present pain. I thought I could cope with "living in between", but you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's not possible. Strings have to be cut; letting go is the loving thing to do.

Like my galpal Gloria says, better it is "present misery for future hope" than to settle for "present relief for future pain".

Wise words. Thanks for that, my friend. I sure needed the reminder today.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Heart Of The Matter

I'm very tired today. Made the deadline. Finished putting together a 152-page book for our Annual General Meeting. It may only be ministry reports, but it sure is a whole lot of pages! It's like publishing an entire book -- except that it's a combination of writers.

I'm very tired. Chasing people for deadlines. Keeping my cool when people keep changing their data just when I've finished their section. Staying patient with people who don't understand stages of work or follow systems. Worse yet, when they're my leaders... sigh...

I have to learn humble submission and rebuke myself for being prideful, thinking I know better than them, and not giving honour where honour is due. Lord, forgive me for my pride and self-centredness.

So what if I meet a deadline, but miss the heart of the matter - which is to love people and give grace as I have received grace, right? Lord, please teach me how to value what you value, and not lose focus on what is really important at the end of the day.

Something just strikes me now... perhaps when I experience and am able to release grace, I may not be so tired after all, but on the contrary, I might actually find True Rest...??

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Every Contribution Counts

Recently I had been rather discouraged about my work and ministry. But God reminded me that the ultimate goal is to Save The Lost, and that every part of the body counts.

It is not a matter of how big or small my contribution is, but the fact that in Whatever I Do, the aim should be one singular goal -- saving souls. It's not about exalting MY Efforts or MY Ministry, but it is all about HIM -- and to share the hope Christ offers with those who do not yet know.

We do what we do because there is an eternal hope available to everyone who will hear and receive -- and in order for them to receive, they must first hear. That's where every effort put in counts.

As a church staff handling publications, I may not be "frontline ministry", but the seed I sow through the words I write may someday take root in someone's heart, and perhaps, in some small way, I am indeed contributing to the Kingdom of Christ.

So press on in whatever is in my hands to do -- for "Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

God Is In The Midst

God reminds me that IN THE MIDST of whatever circumstances I am in -- from minor irritations to major quakes -- HE is in the midst (Psalm 46:5).

The Real Truth (double intended) is that God IS who He says He is -- whether or not I "believe" or "have faith". The truth about Him does not change. And that truth is stated clearly in the Bible, and here in this particular Psalm:

"God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore, we will not fear,
though the earth should change,
and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her,
she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.

10-11
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold."

Psalm 46:1-5, 10-11


If God is In The Midst (with me, beside me, behind me, before me), then all I need do is "cease striving and know that (HE) is God" (Psalm 46:10) -- and Let God Be God! As for me, all I need do is ... Nothing. Just trust. Just rest in Him. Just Cease Striving.

As I face a new year 2005, the resolution is to have "no resolutions". Sounds funny? Incongruent with the norm, but the thing is, making resolutions presupposes that one has the ability to fulfil them as long as we try hard. But the focus is still on ME. My efforts. My ability. Still striving.

So my resolution is to Not Resolve anything, but to just Cease. Meaning, STOP. Just rest in the "God who is In The Midst" and let Him carry me through all the crises of my life.

"The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold."
Psalm 46:11

I have faith in the promises of God that I will indeed find a blessed rest when I just Cease Striving, and know that my life is in the hands of a safe and trustworthy God who loves me too much to ever let me traverse my own wayward path -- not now, not then, not ever.

But only to give me True Rest for eternity! What a blessed hope!

Monday, January 03, 2005

Suffering and Hope

Can we truly make sense of suffering? The suffering of the victims of Asia's tsunami seems senseless. Worser yet, it seems, is the suffering of those left behind.

But have we ever considered that death perhaps is not something to be feared, but to be embraced? We fear death because it is unknown, and it seems like the End of hope. But as Christians, the truth is, death is merely the BEGINNING OF LIFE! Imagine that!

Here's another reality Pastor Edmund reminded us on Sunday: The ultimate suffering was experienced by Jesus Christ when He was nailed to the Cross -- paying the penalty that He DIDN'T deserve, but which *I* deserved! I am spiritually alive today, because God, in His mercy, did not kill me off (as I deserve), but let His Son die in my place!

I cannot explain nature's disasters, but I know what the Bible says. Mark 13:7 reads:
"When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be frightened; those things must take place; but that is not yet the end.
For nation will arise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be earthquakes in various places; there will also be famines. These things are merely the beginning of birth pangs."

Beginning of birth pangs for what? For the Second Coming of Jesus Christ! And when HE comes, there will be ultimate Rest and Relief from all suffering as we know it -- for in present sufferings, they merely signal the coming of an eternal hope!

This hope is available for anyone who believes and receives Jesus Christ into his/her life. If you haven't already met Jesus, won't you receive Him today? He is the answer to our pain and suffering -- not just for today, but for all of eternity!!!

So... what are you waiting for? :)

Malacca Madness... and Makan, mm, mm!

What's a holiday without food!

Before all else, I must tell you that Roti Canai and Teh Tarik have become my tummy's best friends after this trip to Malacca. Um um um!!!! How do I describe it? A hot steaming pancake of fried dough and sumptuous curry... DEEEElicious! I couldn't get enough of it, as you can tell!!! :)

The tricky part for me, as a diabetic, was how to tell the servers to leave out the sugar from my teh tarik.
I only got as far as "no gula", which probably didn't make sense to some of them, because I recall one meal when I took one sip and discovered it was laden with sugar! However, glutton for teh that I was, I confess, I drank it all anyway!!! :)

This is my pal E-Lyn, also fondly known as Lynzeers, whom I was travelling with. She doesn't snore and she doesn't force me to do things I don't like to do (like exercise!), so you're indeed my best travel buddy, Lynzeers! :))

Lynzeers and I "bussed" (ie. took the bus) up to Malacca the day after Boxing Day 2004. By the way, did you know that it costs LESS to take a return bus ride to Malacca than for me to take a cab home from the office?!?! I can't get over how cheap it was -- $11 for one way! It costs $15 for that cab ride home!!!

Also, Lynzeers had this reaaallly great promotion voucher at Riviera Bay Resort, so this holiday cost us less than $100 each in terms of accommodation! Praise the Lord for providing for us really cash-strapped full-time workers :)

So what's a holiday without more food, right? Lynzeers calls this the "most 'pui-tenning' holiday" -- haha! ('Pui' means 'fat' in Hokkien.) I suppose she's right -- we just ate and ate and ate... ! This is Pattaya Kuey Teow -- noodles wrapped in egg. Yum! Get a glimpse of Malacca's delectable delights!

I used to stay away from those roadside places, simply because of personal fear of the unknown. But this trip was a total opposite for me -- we walked out from the hotel, and ate at this little place which we call the "Blue Chair" place, because we couldn't find the eatery's name on the outside, but we identified it by the blue chairs they used :)

Of course, later, we discovered the place is called Anjung. We had to run across the street of constantly moving traffic to get there -- a dangerous feat, but well worth the run, in my opinion!:) Only found out it was called Anjung because the tattered and torn menu had a fading title on it, which we suspect is the name of the place :) The place did not look at all fancy, but the food was simply, mm mm mm!!!!

Enough about food! The other most enjoyable part of the holiday for me was playing word games such as Text Twister and Scrabble with a most worthy opponent (Scrabble Queen Lynzeers!). It is amazing how many combinations of words there are, and how to creatively fit them all on that one tiny board! Check out our wordy creation...

Actually, I've just discovered how handy a palm pilot is -- besides organising calendars, checking a world clock and financial management, Lynzeers' palm pilot has a dictionary so we can check up strange words (that still befuddle me!). Given our enjoyment of a good word challenge, I think Lynzeers and I could play Scrabble forever and ever. Never a dull moment as long as there are word games!

I enjoy word games tremendously, and between Text Twister and Scrabble, I was really "worded" out! Think I was seeing a lot of floating letters in my head for many days on. (In fact, must also confess that since coming home from this trip, I've been hooked on this other word game called Bookworm, which I can play for HOURS!)

Lest you thought we got buried in food and words, we did get OUT of our rooms (on occasion!) and walk around the resort! Even found some pretty spots for "banana tree" dancing - in Indian-style, haha!

And at other times when we weren't quite moving around, watching movies in the room or simply lazing by the poolside was another pretty relaxing option :)

Check out the view from where I was lying on that deck chair -- a glorious spread of coconuts yonder! Just thankful that none of them dropped on my head :)


All the fun stuff aside, I did some serious reflecting and reading while I was in Malacca, and the book that blessed and ministered to me was this book called "Finding Freedom and Rest in Grace Land" by Steve McVey. For those of us Christians who struggle with legalism and understanding grace, I highly recommend this book.

I was reminded of my own spiritual bankruptcy, and how much I needed to Return to God, and trust Him FULLY -- 100%, not just 99%! There is a big difference, that one per cent, that is! I realised that once I was able to come to the point of FULLY relinquishing wanting my own control of life, I was actually FREEer than if I had retained control in the first place.

What the world values is often diametrically opposed to what God says is important. This is what Pastor Edmund calls the "ontological inversion" -- we were made for spiritual things, but because of sin, have sought earthly things to fill a spiritual gap. We value power and control, but God says, in weakness is strength perfected. We value horses and chariots, but God says, in quietness and trust is our rest (Isaiah 30:15).

Something to learn about being in the world, but not OF the world...



Friday, December 24, 2004

Chopped My Locks

Well, hello hello again! Welcome to a brand new world of short hair that is totally liberating!

I decided that it feels more "me" to carry this short, sassy, "mess-like" hairdo than the neat, sweet type of locks and curls (which look great on others, but awful on me, for some reason!)...

So on Christmas eve, I made my haircut a gift to myself. With one last twirl of my locks, I traisped down to HarbourFront to find my hairdresser, Jassmine, and got her to do her deft work with her dextrous scisscors! Snip, snip... and voila! You go, Jass!

Monday, December 20, 2004

Happenin' Hair!

Whenever I feel out of sorts, I go get my hair done. Here's one that I like -- think I carry short hair better than long.


Just two months ago, here's what I decided to do -- got my hair coloured RED, and promptly became the talk of the town in church, particularly with the youth! Oops, guess I'm not really a model example by parental standards, huh? I was also told that I should be lucky I haven't been excommunicated or fired from my job at church yet!!! Hahaha...


Here's what I *really* look like today (after the colour's faded :))...


So... what I'm really thinking is, I think it may be about time to go back to the short hairdo... time to whack it all off! Whaddayathink???

Sunday, December 19, 2004

A Day By The Information Booth

I got snap-happy today with my little Fuji Q1 2.0 mega pixels camera while manning the Information Booth at church on Sundays. Let me introduce you to some of the interesting people in my life (big AND small :) -- and a glimpse of WHO we meet at the Information Booth weekly...

This is E-Lyn, also fondly known as Lynzeers. She's an "old" friend from my singing days -- when we were with a Christian singing group called Step Of Faith (SOF). Those were fun days, for sure! I'm thankful for friends that go beyond the activities. Even though we no longer sing with SOF, Lynzeers and I still hang out -- we do movies and holidays quite a bit :)


These two are musical madhatters in our midst -- Ruth's wearing "Canada", and she is the most talented professional musician I know -- and also the most humble. She plays the smoothest jazz on those ivories, and I just lurrve listening to her! That, and she's also a sexy alto, which makes her music simply irresistible to me! Oh, btw, Ruth attended Boston Chinese Evangelical Church (BCEC) too, the church I attended when I was studying in Boston, uh, about seven years before her (I'm getting old!)...

And Adeline, with the cute face, has the bubbliest spirit, and the funnest laugh -- and that's probably why we get along so well because we can both cackle loudly and screech and cheer with abandon at Ruth's performances without a care or hoot about what people think!!!:)


Rachel and Val are good pals. Val used to work with us in the church office, and her son Nat is an absolute HIT with us gals at the Info Booth! He is the absolute Charmer, and we just love Nat Nat to bits!


And here's Betty (who also used to work with us in the church office before she had her kids) and her darling Hannah, who is just the sweetest, gentlest little kiddo I know! She's grown into such a beauty. Sweetie pie...


Auntie Belle here loves to play with the kids in church (probably because she's just a big kid herself, haha!:). This is Jordan and Adriel, sons of Cheng Hwee and Annie. They love to play "Spaceship", this game we invented where they're supposed to catch my hand, and I catch theirs. A silly concoction, but we have fun -- and lots of laughs!


Oh, and the happiest little boy ever is Yao En -- son of mummy Song Kheng and papa Chee Khiang. Every time Yao En comes by our Info Booth table, his face lights up with this most beautiful grin, and he brings sooooo much cheer to me! I absolutely grin back with sheer delight whenever this little boy comes by! I believe children reflect the love and purity of God, and Yao En certainly brings out that essence!


People In My Life

For the online record, I would like to give thanks to God for some of the neat people in my life.

Here are my cool colleagues who have become good friends. We're at a Christmas party thrown for the church staff by a generous church member. From left to right: Poh Shan, Rachel, Steven and Kenneth. We like to think we are the "if-then-else" thinkers of the organisation. Poh Shan is our administrator, and without her, I think church organisation would be non-existent! :)


Oh, and of course, since church staff are so committed to their jobs, we always end up discussing work even at socials! :) Steve is the Building and Facilities Manager, and Kenneth is our "cool dude" IT manager. Together, they rule the Church Building and AV/IT World at Covenant Evangelical Free Church!

Here is Pastor David's very adorable daughter, Sze Hui, whom I simply had a blast with! We were laughing together over how we make a Ferraro Roche chocolate swivel on the table -- the simple joys of life! No wonder Christ calls us to simplicity and innocence of child-likeness...


And for laughs, Betty's daughter put on these "humongo" glasses! I just thought she looks like a riot! :)

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Blessings Disguised As Crises

Sometimes God's blessings for us comes hidden in the rough packaging of tough times.

I was reflecting on this strange "ontological inversion" recently. God seems to find delight in surprising us, doesn't He? Indeed, this same God who uses "the foolish things of this world to confound the wise" is fond of springing the 180-degree surprise on us.

What the world values, God says it is worthless. His measure of value is the total opposite of what the world says is valuable.

In the same way, what the world calls a crisis, God may see as intrinsic blessing.

I believe this is because God sees a larger canvas, and He has a bigger purpose in mind. Not only that, He is Sovereign, and In Control. And because everything happens for a purpose (see Ecclesiastes 3), a crisis also has its purpose - perhaps a stepping stone towards a higher end, perhaps for personal growth, perhaps to highlight issues, but ultimately, to bring people back to Himself by showing that HE REALLY CAN BE TRUSTED!

I see how He has worked this out in my cousin Kev's life. You see, Kev was due to return home to Malaysia by end of the year. Among a gazillion things to do, he also had to sell his car. That meant placing ads, finding buyers, spending time showing the car etc. It would take a lot of time, which was something he was already short of.

Well, that was when his landlady borrowed his car for an errand, and promptly had an accident (though it was not her fault). Kev's car got trashed and totalled! Crisis, right?

By earthly standards, it was a crisis. Seeing the crushed metal was painful for Kev. So was having to deal with the inconvenience of working out all the paperwork. But finally, insurance paid out - and not only did they offer a very decent price, they paid promptly as well!

Upon reflection, it was evident that God had actually turned the crisis into a blessing. Or perhaps, it was meant to be a blessing all along! For now, Kev no longer had to sell the car in order to recover his capital - it was simply done BECAUSE of the accident! AND... not only did God see fit to resolve payment, He even made the insurers pay the amount Kev had been planning to sell his car for.

So now Kev had effectively "sold" his car without all the inconvenience of trying to find a buyer and showing the car etc! Isn't that cool? Say it with me now: "God is Keeeewwwl!!!"

It's funny to say this, but this accident (incident!) encouraged me greatly. It made me realise that sometimes when things seem bad, they may actually be God's mysterious ways in the works!

I may not know what is around the corner, but God does.

I may not understand His ways (for they are truly higher than mine!), but I can trust that He IS working things out for me - "plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).

So, as I look at my own circumstances (which seem so hard to bear), I now wonder, perhaps this crisis SEEMS to be a crisis, but could be a blessing in disguise...? I may not know what is around the corner, but God does -- and perhaps the present pain is only "till the end of the block". It may seem like forever, but right now, I believe He must be already working things out for me, and therefore the faith challenge for me is whether or not I will Keep My Eyes On Christ -- even IN SPITE of the pain.

I may think it is a crisis, but it may be God's way of working things out for me - to deliver me from the Ultimate Crisis of all, which is to live life independent of God.

I believe that what God wants for me to do is not to run around finding yet another solution or quick-fix, but to Trust Him Fully, and Trust Him Only -- for that is the higher ground, the best path to walk on. And perhaps crises are His method of "weaning" me off my dependencies on idols or people (anything other than God Himself) -- so that I may be free to receive the greatest blessing of all: Christ Himself.

Family Matters

I must be getting old. I am experiencing a strange sensation of appreciation for my extended family, which I have not quite felt before. I actually was glad for them! For my dear cousin, Kev's sake, I have indicated their "designations" here - Kev, this is so you might be reminded of who's who before you return, and remember to call them correctly! :)


Suddenly, I appreciate the aunties and uncles that I have in a greater measure than ever before. Suddenly, the value of family is quite pleasant. Unlike the sense of feeling "watched" before (which creates wariness and suspicion in me), now I just feel "looked after" and "thought about" (which creates a sense of care and concern). How weird this change... I really must be getting old...

Today, we had lunch together at the Charming Garden restaurant at Copthorne Orchid Hotel because my 4-Peh and family were in town.



We had a delectable feast of dim sum treats. My favourite is chee cheong fun. Tua Goh (Eldest Aunt) treated all of us. She's my dad's eldest sister.

My dad (who passed away in 1990) is second youngest out of 10 kids, and Kev and Gina's dad, 4-Peh, is only one year older than my dad. This is my dad, whom I miss very much. But at least I know he's with God in heaven, so someday, I'll see you soon, pa!

Anyway, I got to hang out with my not-so-l'il cousin Gina again before they returned to Subang Jaya in the afternoon... which was cool, cos we got to take lots of pictures of our aunties and uncles, and chatted some more. Do you know, she's actually 13 years younger than me! I can't believe that the little girl I once carried is now, wow, 18 years old... and I, of course, am feeling a tad O-L-D. After all, I am now 31 and 5 days old :)


Well, here's the hottest model in the latest Canon advertisement in town :) For bookings, please leave a comment in this Blog and her agent will get back to you! Haha! :)



Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Babe On The Blog

A blog is a bizarre phenomenon, and I am finally jumping on the Blog Bandwagon -- just because I was curious, and now I've simply caved in to the cause :)

It has been fascinating to figure out how to make this Blog blubber all come together, but at last, the words and the images have fallen into place, in one piece...

Thanks to Kenneth, my oldest friend and cool technie dude, for directing me to blogger.com.

Thanks also to my not-so-l'il cousin, Regina, for showing me how to upload photos through photobucket.com.

Most of all, thanks to my other cool cousin, Kev, for getting me addicted to MSN, MP3s, command prompt interface, and all-things-tech :) See what you've turned me into!!! :)

Here's a pic of my sis Chris and me when we were in our (Much) Younger days -- we're playing Olympics on a reaaaallly old Apple computer. I think we wore out the arrow keys playing the 400-m race! Haha...

Gina Was In Town!

It sure was cool meeting my l'il cousin again (who isn't so little anymore, of course :).

No, not the baby -- the one carrying the baby is Regina (aka known as Latino Queen!:) Because "Regina" means Queen in Latin :)). And the baby is our niece, Ashley Tan, daughter of Stephen and Huixia. Here's Stephen carrying Ashley -- he's a protective daddy indeed!


And oh, here's what we had for dinner tonight

Actually, the reason for the gathering was to have a business meeting!
So while the adults talked, Gina and I huddled ourselves in one corner, where we had a good time just talking non-stop, catching up about our lives over what seems like "missing years", and somehow, having that lovely feeling that cousins becoming friends is simply way cool!

A Snapshot of Last Year


Here's a picture of me in Canada last year. I wonder if going back to school might be one way of getting my butt back to the West, which is where I'd really rather be...

I think I would be really happy if I were in a different climate, different culture, different zone... What I can't understand is why I feel so disconnected from where I'm currently at, which is in Singapore... I don't feel like I belong...

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Extract The Precious From The Worthless

"Therefore, thus says the Lord,
If you return, then I will restore you -
Before Me you will stand;
And if you extract the precious from the worthless,
You will become My spokesman.They for their part may turn to you.
But as for you, you must not turn to them."

Jeremiah 15:19

In this lifetime, the chaff is not yet sifted from the wheat. But there will come a day when we will all be tested by fire, and the question then will be, what's left? Will we be like wood that has burned up, or will we find gold that can survive the heat of the flames?

In that light (or fire!), shall we not consider this higher calling too, given in Jeremiah? For "if you extract the precious from the worthless, you will become My spokesman," says the Lord.

I am reminded of the calling God gave me in 2000 to enter into fulltime ministry. Some days are easy, but some days are hard. Some days I just feel like throwing in the towel. Like now. When the going gets tough, the tough really feel like crying and giving up. I think the truth is, the tough weren't so tough after all.

But that's OK -- I think. I think God did not call us to be superpeople, because He only called us to obey. And He called us to "return". He also said not to "turn to them". "Them", I take to mean, idols, other methods, other ways of solving my problems apart from God...

If I choose to return, He will restore. And He will fulfil His destiny in my life - to make me His spokesman. How exciting...

The journey in following the Lord is not the wide and easy road; it is small and narrow. But happy is he (or she!) who shakes off the easy but worthless worldly methods in order to extract the difficult but precious higher ground -- where the air we breathe is cleaner and fresher, of a different kind.

Then, one day when you are tested through fire, it is precious gold that will glitter amid the flames, and in their beauty, call out the glory of the Lord - as His spokesman rightly should!

He Sees Me

God sees me. What a reassuring thought. I feel so comforted by the fact that I am never out of His sight. Our God never sleeps nor slumbers. And better yet, He's looking out for me!

2 Chronicles 16:9 says, "For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His."

Psalm 33:18 says, "Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness."

Psalm 34:15 says, "The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry."

Simply knowing that He is there - and that HE is far greater than all of us combined -- I know I am safe. This "HE" is my God, my Father, my HEro.

Just as He watches over the sparrows, so is He watching over me. What a great consolation to know that we are not alone.

I Believe

"I believe I can fly... I believe I can touch the sky..."

Popular lyrics, wishful thinking. Sheer denial.

The truth is, no matter how hard you believe you can, the fact is, you can't. The truth is, I have no wings, no superman (or superwoman) power, not even powered by google! Or any other engines.

There is no chance in hell (or on earth) that I would ever take off from the ground, against gravity, against all odds, against the way God created me to be -- I know I was certainly not made like a bird, and neither do I want to be one. I like myself the way I am -- two legs, two arms and no beak.

So I honestly cannot say I believe I can fly -- because I know for a fact that I can't. Not now, not ever.

Such a fantasy is impossibility of the highest degree (pun intended).

Some things are, by sheer physics and fact, impossible. But I do believe in a God who makes all things possible. And I believe that even if I can never physically take off "to fly the friendly skies" (other than on United Airlines!), I can find spiritual freedom because there is a God who is greater than gravity, and it is this God who can really take me to greater heights. (And I'm not talking about physical space either.)

Now, the only thing left to do is to stop believing that *I can*, and start believing that only *GOD can*. And as long as I put my trust in Him, He will truly help me to soar the way I was created to.


"The king is not saved by a mighty army; a warrior is not delivered by great strength.
A horse is false hope for victory; nor does it deliever anyone by His great strength.
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliever their soul from death and to keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield."

Psalm 33:16-20

Monday, December 13, 2004

A Day After 31

So... this is what it feels like to be single, footloose and fancyfree at 31 and a day old. I'm the one on the right, with my mum.

Can't say it's where I'd thought I'd be at this stage of my life... but at the same time, I suppose I can give thanks for my freedom.

No screaming kids to quieten down at a crowded shopping mall, nor do I have to check a gazillion schedules before I simply log onto www.zuji.com, purchase an airticket with one click of the mouse, hop on a plane and disappear into the Westbound horizons without a care or report...

Not to say that I don't love kids -- because I do! It's just that, I suppose, I'm talking about being content with where you're at. Even though I must confess, the feeling of carrying my nephew, Elliot Koh, was a marvellous feeling! Especially when he fell asleep on me later...


But anyway, here I am on this bright and sunshiney day in front of my computer, writing this blog so the whole wide world can get a glimpse of my life a day after 31 -- simply because I am single, footloose and fancyfree (and well, basically, free!).

So... there.