Why...

Today, I just have one question, Lord.

Why...

Why, Lord, am I so unable without You? And yet, why is it that sometimes I just feel that You've forgotten me, and have left me to my own devices? Why is it that I keep feeling like a failure, and that I'll never be good enough? Why is it that things fell apart the way they did? Why do I feel like I'll never be able to make it? Why do I feel that I'm about to crash, and no one's going to catch me? Why is it that You seem so far away? Why is it that I feel so far away?

Why...

Good Fear

My friend Adeline reminded me that fear is the necessary ingredient for faith, without which we remain comfortable in our comfort zones. Walking on water doesn't come without a dose of realistic fear. So is starting a new life in a new land.

I am thankful that I have a friend with whom I can walk this parallel journey with. Although Ad's off to Australia, and I'm off to Canada, the trials and transitions are the same. Our currency may differ, but the currency of faith is the same. Are we trusting in God to see us through a new beginning?

Sometimes I feel that I have faith in God only because I have nowhere else to look but up. Then again, perhaps that is right where God wants me to be. For if I had every answer, I tend to forget that it is NOT me who holds the future, but the Lord.

So in facing the unknown future, I am forced to face my faith - and confront its existence, and the measure in which it exists.

Fear illicits faith. Perhaps that, in itself, is not a bad thing.

Clear the Clutter

Have you ever tried fitting your entire life into two suitcases? I'm about to try. This is going to be In-ter-es-ting.

The process of planning and preparing to uproot has been a good exercise in streamlining and simplifiying. It is healthy to do this once in a while, so I would recommend it to everyone -- Clear the Clutter!

Actually, it's also more than just physical things you have to pack up. There's such a thing as emotional clutter too. So while packing those bags, there's a parallel journey in the unseen realm that must be dealt with too. Otherwise, unsorted baggage that you end up lugging around with you will come back to haunt you with all its gory cobwebs and accumulated germified gunk. No Thank You!

So, a word of advice to all in transit... clean out the cobwebs, shake off those shackles, close those doors properly -- and don't forget to shut the windows as well! :)

Of Nostalgia and Melancholy

Closure to a decade back in Singapore evokes some really strange sensations - at once glad and sad, fear yet excitement. There is a pendulum of emotions, and today, the swing is on the Semi-Sad-Pondering-Melancholic mark, as I wonder what's in store, and sometimes not feeling as confident how this Crazy Thang Called Canada is gonna work out.

Just because everything is so unknown, and I can't plan ahead to the next thing, whatever it is, it makes me feel nervous and frightened that I might stumble with my next step, and fall really flat on my face!

Yet, God says, He will not let my foot slip because He is the one who holds my hand. Will He hold on to me? Has He forgotten me... forgiven me?

The wheels are set in motion and come what may, there is a plane seat waiting for me on 30 May 2006, bound for Toronto. In many ways, I can't wait! But in many other ways, packing my entire life now as I prepare to go stirs up a myriad of unfamiliar emotions, and I find myself struggling with strange sensations....

But I think I have to go. It is a new journey, a new season,a new phase. A new chapter awaits to be written.

A chapter called Canada.

So as my life now lies in boxes and suitcases, I must not let the emotions get to me too much, and remind myself that transitions are of such a nature -- evoking melancholy and nostalgia, yet an anticipation of new things and new beginnings.

What I Won't Miss...

There is something in Singapore that I know FOR SURE that I won't miss -- EVER! -- and that is, those creepy slimy icky LIZARDS.

I freaked out today when I "met" a lizard peering precociously at me from my tap, as I bent over to wash my face. Just as I splashed water on my cheeks, I suddenly felt this ominous presence "looming" over me... and there was this squeamishly brown sliver of a cold-blooded creature staring straight at me!!

OH HEAVENS!!!

I nearly jumped out of my skin, as I leapt two thousand feet away from the sink and then froze in panic, as I stared frantically at the intruder, invading not just my bathroom, but my very sense of safety and privacy.

What do I do now???

For the next few minutes, I tried to figure out how to turn off the running water. Finally, I decided to use a packet of pads nearby to flick the tap off, and then promptly went running downstairs for help.

Thank God for Chandra, our maid, who is adept at lizard-killing, and after spraying the intruder with Baygon to weaken its defenses, Redbook magazine made its mark in my life once again -- not just in words, but by being the weapon that secured my freedom and liberty once again.

Friends

As I prepare to leave an old world behind, I wonder about the friends I've made here... Will they still be friends, even though we are no longer in the same time zone and space?

I suppose one must trust on the strength of friendships fostered over the years. But only time will reveal the real "lastingness" of what we have invested over time.

It is sad but true that many friendships are really only acquaintances -- harboured only because of an activity, not because of true connection or real depth.

I suppose I will not mourn too deeply the loss of such acquaintances, but I pray that those friendships which are near and dear to me will continue to be cherished relationships that will last a lifetime, even if we are in different parts of the world.

That, to me, would be the greatest gift of all -- the gift of forever friends.

Power Packing

The invention of vacuum-sealed bags must be the godsent genius of someone who REALLY needed to get stuff stuffed in!

I only discovered its existence when my friend, Julie Gamponia, called me from Thailand to find out if I was still in Singapore, and in the process, suggested using these vacuum-sealed bags to Fit Everything into my two what-seems-really-tiny-now suitcases. Awesome!

I have been packing and packing... but it seems like my stuff is just everywhere! How is all this ever going to get cleared?? One day at a time, I suppose. At the moment, it was one T-shirt at a time, for I've probably cleared out at least three boxes of old clothes to give away (to our helper, Chandra). Gracious, the things we accumulate in life!

Anyway, I'm getting there finally, and in six weeks, when I hop on that plane to Toronto, hopefully I would have gotten everything sorted out.

I can't believe I'm actually REALLY doing it -- leaving my life in Singapore behind and starting all over again in Toronto. At least there's where I'll start out, and see how it goes -- roll with the punches as they come! I really do need some change in my life, and now's as good a time as ever.

Frankly, I am a little nervous. But then again, most of the time, I just can't wait! I couldn't settle for mediocrity in my life, and to stay put while knowing there's a bigger world out there just seems so wrong! Besides, I am of the belief that "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" -- ie. translated, "tis better to have tried and failed, than to never have tried at all".

Like I said, the fear of turning into a grumpy old woman with too many regrets is just Not An Option for me. Life may not be all a pot of roses, but it's how you navigate through it that makes the difference. For me, facing a challenge is better than sinking in defeat.

So, armed with that, I'm back to the packing. Thank God for vacuum-sealed bags - and a friend who told me about them :)